I am what I am

Like I said in my last post, I’m trying to start writing again. I’ve got tons bottled up inside, that I need to get out, and writing will hopefully help. As long as I can manage to make myself write. One of my biggest issues is that I feel like I’m trying to impress people when I write. I’m always trying to seem like I’m hip or cool or whatever… but I always fail miserably. Because, let’s face it. I’m just not. So I get caught in a vicious cycle. I want to write, but I can’t write because I’m terrified of what people will think. But since I’m writing for myself, then it shouldn’t matter what anyone else thinks, should it? Ah, the horrible spiral of self-doubt. It doesn’t help that some bad experiences made me even more nervous about writing than I once was. I fought it off for a long time, before finally succumbing when I stopped posting. I’m trying, though, to get over that fear. To fight it, to free myself from it, and to write again. To be creative, to share, to be open – with myself and others.

I’ve also been trying to be creative in other areas, lately. I’ve been dabbling in different kinds of painting – acrylic and watercolor pencils, so far. I want to try out pastels, oils, and watercolor as well; give everything a try to see what I like best, what feels most “me”. I even bought myself a kit on Chinese brush painting today because the style intrigues me. I may not be any good at it, but I figure I’ll never know until I try.

As much as I enjoy painting so far, I find the same self-doubt creeping in that plagues my desire to write. That’s another reason I want to begin posting again. If I can learn to fight against the doubt that stops me from writing, then hopefully it will help me in my art, as well. It might help me put more of “myself” into my work. Help me learn to trust myself, my judgement. Trust my choice in colors, in patterns, ideas. Trust in my starting points, my stopping points. Trust in myself through all stages of creation.

All I can do now is take this first step. Write this. Hit that ‘publish’ button and let release this post into the wild. Begin to open up again, little by little, one post at a time. So, here’s to beginning. Here’s to me.

Life’s not worth a damn, ‘Til you can say, “Hey world, I am what I am.”
          I Am What I Am” – La Cage Aux Folles

Moonlight on canvas, midnight and wine

Brighten your spirits by livening up your surroundings. Sometimes you can curse the soul by means of the senses, and vice versa. Figure out what you can change, throw out, renew or purchase.

Funny that the above is my horoscope for yesterday. I’m in the middle of renovationg my bedroom, from the floor up. Well, technically, from the ceiling down, since we’re redoing the floors last, but either way, it’s going to be livened up. I’ve had the same Native American theme to my room for way too long, and I’m starting to get very bored with my mauve/grey/orange room. (Yes, mauve and orange can work together if you’ve got the right shades.) A couple of weeks ago, I ordered the Designer Combinations paint kits from Behr in their Eastern Fusion color scheme. I tested all but the New Brick out on my walls, and for the most part didn’t care for them. I don’t like that the paint samples they ship you are in flat – I prefer a semi gloss. It gives the room a little nicer look, plus it feels better to the touch. I don’t care for Winter Garden in the flat, but it would look nice in semi-gloss.

I finally decided that I’m going to use their Seaside Sand on my walls, with Winter Garden for the trim. I also got all inspired, and am using the New Brick to create my own art. I started last week, painting canvases with the New Brick as a base. I’m going to go back and use the Seaside Sand to paint the Chinese characters for various words (happiness, serenity, hope, love, etc) on the canvases. I’ve also got an idea for a larger canvas to take up most of one wall. I even know how to write my own name in Chinese for one of the canvases for a uniquely personal twist.

I’ve been feeling highly creative lately, and I fully blame that on Emily. I believe that the people around you can have an impact on your creativeness. For too long I was around people who used me, and sucked me dry of any creativity. Now that time’s passed, and I’m around her so much, I find myself inspired again, wanting to create. More specifically, wanting to paint, which is pretty much out of my league. I can do smaller projects like the paintings listed above, but anything with more detail (and that I can’t use a stencil for) I’d make an absolute mess of things. But I’ve got this deep-seeded need to try and experiment lately. I might. If for no other reason than to see how much of a mess I can make.