I am what I am

Like I said in my last post, I’m trying to start writing again. I’ve got tons bottled up inside, that I need to get out, and writing will hopefully help. As long as I can manage to make myself write. One of my biggest issues is that I feel like I’m trying to impress people when I write. I’m always trying to seem like I’m hip or cool or whatever… but I always fail miserably. Because, let’s face it. I’m just not. So I get caught in a vicious cycle. I want to write, but I can’t write because I’m terrified of what people will think. But since I’m writing for myself, then it shouldn’t matter what anyone else thinks, should it? Ah, the horrible spiral of self-doubt. It doesn’t help that some bad experiences made me even more nervous about writing than I once was. I fought it off for a long time, before finally succumbing when I stopped posting. I’m trying, though, to get over that fear. To fight it, to free myself from it, and to write again. To be creative, to share, to be open – with myself and others.

I’ve also been trying to be creative in other areas, lately. I’ve been dabbling in different kinds of painting – acrylic and watercolor pencils, so far. I want to try out pastels, oils, and watercolor as well; give everything a try to see what I like best, what feels most “me”. I even bought myself a kit on Chinese brush painting today because the style intrigues me. I may not be any good at it, but I figure I’ll never know until I try.

As much as I enjoy painting so far, I find the same self-doubt creeping in that plagues my desire to write. That’s another reason I want to begin posting again. If I can learn to fight against the doubt that stops me from writing, then hopefully it will help me in my art, as well. It might help me put more of “myself” into my work. Help me learn to trust myself, my judgement. Trust my choice in colors, in patterns, ideas. Trust in my starting points, my stopping points. Trust in myself through all stages of creation.

All I can do now is take this first step. Write this. Hit that ‘publish’ button and let release this post into the wild. Begin to open up again, little by little, one post at a time. So, here’s to beginning. Here’s to me.

Life’s not worth a damn, ‘Til you can say, “Hey world, I am what I am.”
          I Am What I Am” – La Cage Aux Folles

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