Author: Keiran

I don’t know why you gotta be angry all the time

Fact 11: I almost killed my childhood best friend.

This ties into the entry from yesterday, to an extent. The reason I was medicated for my ADHD as a child wasn’t because the hyperactivity was too much to deal with, but that the impulsivity caused me to have a very short fuse, and I would lash out when frustrated, angered, etc. I’d have screaming fits, wrestling matches with my mother, throwing things (remotes, cups, etc), etc; all kinds of improper behaviors when angered. They’d been through several doctors trying to find a way to manage me before medicating me, trying to get a grip on my temper. One doctor even advised them to dump a soda over my head at the dinner table, when I had an outburst there!

One of the most potentially dangerous outbursts I had involved a disagreement with my best friend. I was roughly 9 at the time, I think. (I could be wrong.) She and I were playing with matchbox cars with my little brother in his room. We’d been in there a while when my mind wandered, and I noticed a wind chime my brother had in his room was broken, and I decided I had to fix it right then. I ran off and got a pair of pliers, then came back to start repairs. The light was off in the room because it was supposed to be nighttime in the game of cars, but I wanted it on so I could see what I was doing. That light sparked a big argument between Becky and I, and it came to blows. She was by far the stronger of the two of us, and had forced me down to the floor. I was talking back and tried to get up, so she kicked me in the nose, causing it to bleed. I managed to get up, grabbed the pair of pliers I had been using, and hit her over the shoulder as hard as I could. I wanted to hurt her as bad as I could, as bad as (if not worse than) she’d hurt me. That ended the fight, and she ran home. After she was complaining of hurting for a day, her parents took her to the doctor about her shoulder. The doctor informed her that I’d fractured her collarbone. He also told her that from the way I’d hit her, and how hard, if the pliers had been turned a fraction of an inch I could have killed her. I don’t know if that’s possible or he was just pulling her leg to scare the both of us.

I’m a lot better with my anger issues now. At least, I’m less likely to take them out on someone else. I’m more likely to internalize them and take them out on myself. It’s no healthier of a way to deal with them, but at least someone else doesn’t get hurt in the fall out?

Now that she's back in the atmosphere

Fact 10: I have ADHD.

I have a very very short attention span, and I get bored very easily. My mind wanders at the drop of a hat, and it’s hard for me to see thing through to completion. Hence, me already struggling with this meme, and I’m only on fact 10! 😉 I was diagnosed with ADHD back in mid-1983, and was put on Ritalin. (Back then, I was diagnosed as ADD, but what I have, today, is called ADHD Combined Type.) Yes, I was a Ritalin kid, but that was before it was so commonly over-prescribed like it is now.

I was only on Ritalin for about 9 months, until school ended for the year. My mom, brother, and I were going to England for a month (June 84), and my mom didnt want to mess with the prescription. (If I recall correctly, I would have run out mid-way through the trip, and the pharmacist wouldnt give us an advance on the next refill just because we were going to be out of the country.) I dont remember the reasons, but I went back on Ritalin for another year in 1987. Again, that only lasted the school year.

Like I started to describe at the last paragraph, Im pretty my textbook ADHD. Constantly fidgeting either my legs are bouncing, my feet tapping, hands moving, something. I have to be in constant motion. Im disorganized, cant focus, always restless, rambling, difficulty finishing what I start, and I take on too many projects at once. Im impulsive, hyperactive, …and probably repeating the same things over and over. Chalk that up to my easy distractibility. 😉

I often live in a little fantasy world in my head, because of the ADHD. My mind races through situations, reenacting things, creating ones, jumping from topic to topic and idea to idea. People sometimes have told me I seem standoffish, or like Im on a different planet. (My favorite to visit was always Pluto. Poor little guy.) And my mind already wandered too much to know where I was going with this paragraph. Yes, Im writingthis one kind of the way my mind works, which is jumbled and all over the place. Hah.

When the fear sets in

MRI is done. Thank god. I almost couldn’t do it. That machine is just too damned small. Thankfully I didn’t have to go all the way inside of it, but even to about my waist was bad enough. I’m not claustrophobic, per se, but something like that can trigger off the little bit of me that is. It doesn’t help any at all that I’m overweight, I know that. That’s a big part of why the machine was closing in on me like that.

As soon as I was first put in the MRI machine, I thought to myself “there’s no way in hell.” But I convinced myself to try. Try to hold out for as long as possible. Even if they were only able to get a few pictures, that would be better than none at all, right? So I closed my eyes tight, balled my hands into fists, and try hard to stay calm and still. I had headphones on, and I did my best to focus on the music, but it was difficult to hear it over the noise of the MRI. I kept making bargains with myself while I was in there: “Get through this song, and then I’ll let you press the button and ask to get out.” “Okay, you made it through one song. Just one more. You can do it. You can hold out, I know it.“

Since the sounds of the MRI itself were louder than the music, I was also trying to pay attention to the placement of the machine. On the set of tests during the 2nd song and commercial break, I knew it had started on my right side, so the bargains I was making were to get me to try to hold out until it got back to about where it started. After what I had guestimated as 10 minutes (but I found out later had actually been 12 minutes – Go me!!), I just couldn’t take it any longer — I was starting to have a panic attack and I had to get out of there. I squeezed the button, and when she buzzed I asked to be let out.

Once I was out of the machine and sitting up again, she gave me the info on how far along we were and everything. When I had buzzed to be let out, there had only been 2 seconds more for that set of tests to complete, so she went ahead and left me in there that additional few seconds to finish it before pulling me out. Her reasoning – it was a 3 minute test, and if it wasn’t completed, we would have had to start that one over again from the beginning. I didn’t notice the delay in getting me out, so I was grateful that she went ahead and finished it; and I was also proud of myself for managing to be almost accurate in guessing when the machine was back to where it started. Haha.

Like I said, I had already been in the machine for 12 minutes. What I had left was 1 test that was 2 minutes long; then I would come out, have contrast injected and go back in for a 5 minute test. I knew if I was able to sit there for a few minutes and could calm down I could probably handle going back in for another 2 minutes, but there was no way I would be able to handle the 5 minute one. The tech was very nice and patient with me, she explained all the tests, and even let me know that the for headaches they don’t usually need the tests with the contrast, and if they saw something that made them want the contrast tests, that I could always come back another day and have those done. (And I can have Valium next time, if I have to go back for the contrast tests. haha.) So I struck a deal with her, if I could sit and calm down for a few more minutes, I’d go back in for the 2 minute test, and we’d skip the contrast ones. She got me a glass of iced water and sat and chatted with me for roughly about 5 minutes while I got my heart rate back down and was able to get my courage back up to go back inside the machine.

Once I got inside the machine the second time, a new song was starting on the radio. So I was able to tell myself I’d be out of there before the song was over, and I did everything I could to focus on the music. Thankfully the two minutes went by very quickly, and I was out of there before I started to have another panic attack. I’m still having residual mini-attacks, even 2+ hours later. Nothing bad, just my pulse racing, breathing speeding up, and feeling shaky/jittery. I’ll settle down for a while, and then one will start back up again. (And of course, writing about it isn’t helping with the mini-attacks any. Hah.) After I left the MRI center, I decided to break my diet. I deserved a reward for making it through that, especially since I went back in the machine for a second round after the panic attack. I got a burger on the way in to work. :$ But I got a Jr burger, with almost nothing on it, so I tried to be good, while I was allowing myself that reward? Haha. And I’ll just adjust the rest of my calories for the day so I don’t go over or anything; but I really needed some kind of “comfort food” after that.

Now it’s time to pray they find what they need to find on the MRI’s, and that I don’t have to go back for the contrast ones. Even with 2 Valium for only a 5 minute test – I don’t wanna do it! Haha.