Category: Music

We call them fools who have to dance within the flame

Music is something so powerful in my life. It provides a soundtrack for the years I’ve lived. It envelopes memories and brings them back to life with that very first note. It gives voice to emotions I can’t find another way to express. I’ve never been a musician – I just don’t have the talent – but I’ve always loved music with a passion. It’s one constant friend, always there to depend on.

While recorded music is deeply entwined in my life – the power of a live performance is even more intense. You’re there while the chords are being played, the notes and words are sung; you’re there as the tapestry of sound is being woven and brought to life. The connection is stronger and can touch you deeper in your soul.

Last week’s Garth concert was the 17th time I’ve seen him perform, and close to my 400th concert overall. I was enjoying the show: getting lost in the crowd, in the chills created by roughly 21,000 singing along at the top of their lungs. My camera battery died on me half way through the show, my back-up battery was MIA – but that was alright. There are a few songs I wish I’d been able to get on video, but not having to worry about the camera just let me get lost in the music that much more.

While my body wasn’t happy with the demands of standing for that long; my spirit felt truly alive for the first time in years, soaring with the music. In the midst of “Standing Outside The Fire”, it truly hit me how much life has changed over the last 17 years since I last saw him perform – and not for the better.

Back then – when I was constantly going to concerts – that song fit me fairly well. For me, it was “not enough just to stand outside the fire”. I was full of passion and life and energy. If I had a chance to travel halfway across the country for a concert on a whim – I took it. I remember more than once getting up at 4am to drive back to Dallas and go straight to work after a concert, or even earlier to catch a flight back home before going to the office. There were times I would work all day, hit the road for a show as soon as work was over, then get home at 5:30am, and sleep for about 45 minutes before I had to get up and go right back to work. I might have been tired those days – but I wouldn’t have had it any other way.

Then life got in the way. More accurately, one of the most screwed up relationships I’ve ever had messed me up beyond belief. It’s easiest to just refer to them as “the ex”, as attempting to explain the convoluted relationship is extremely difficult. Basically, though, it boils down to mental and emotional abuse, effectively breaking my spirit. When I discovered the lies and betrayal and that whole… disaster of a relationship imploded, it left me untrusting, scared, and paranoid. It threw my depression into overdrive, and also amplified my Avoidant Personality Disorder. It’s been … roughly 12 years since I got out of that situation and people still scare me. I am always second guessing people’s motives, retreating deeper into my shell if they seem to show too much interest in me. Social situations are a nightmare to me, leaving me uncomfortable and making me want to bolt.

Back to the Garth show – I got close to tears at one point during “Standing Outside The Fire”. Reflecting on what was then and where I am now made me miss the past. I might have been burned, but now I want to be healed, to dance in the flames again. I want that life back. I want to feel that fire. I want to take chances. I want to live.

“There is this love that is burning deep in my soul
Constantly yearning to get out of control
Wanting to fly, higher and higher
I can’t abide, standing outside the fire

Standing outside the fire
Standing outside the fire
Life is not tried; it is merely survived
If you’re standing outside the fire”

God blessed Texas with his own hand, brought down angels from the promised land

It’s hard to believe that it’s been 20 years since I was sitting on a fence at legendary Southfork Ranch, Ewing Mansion in the background; lucky enough to be an extra in the video for “God Blessed Texas” by Little Texas. It seems like it was maybe just 3-5 years ago – a bit further back than feeling like “it was just yesterday”, but still much closer than 20 years ago.

It was a gorgeous day in the mid-90°s, plenty of sunshine without being too hot. I was near Dealey Plaza Park in downtown Dallas, waiting to meet a friend, and then the two of us were going to head to the Fort Worth Zoo. While I was waiting for her, the country station I was listening to mentioned that Little Texas was at South Fork Ranch filming a video, and that they needed more people to be in the crowd, so to “come on down!”. I was frustrated, because I definitely wanted to go, but I already had plans for the day. A few minutes later, my friend paged me and after finding a pay phone to call her back, she let me know she wasn’t going to be able to make it. Talk about luck! I called another friend of mine, told her about the video shoot, and asked if she wanted to go with me — of course she was interested! I drove home, changed into more appropriate attire (thankfully I was working at a western wear store at the time, so I actually had “appropriate attire”), picked up my friend and headed up to Southfork.

By the time we got there, they had finished up shooting under the Southfork gate, and were getting set up in the field in front of the mansion while the band had lunch inside the mansion. My friend and I were directed to the fence just behind the make-shift stage, and told to sit there. From there, it standard video filming. They play the song, everyone performing/clapping/playing their part, then do it all over again to get more film from different angles. We spent a few hours out on that fence before we were released, and I loved every second of it.

When the video aired a month or two later, I was very happy to be able to spot myself multiple times in the background of shots. I was wearing some very bright turquoise Rockies at the shoot, and they made it very easy to find me.

It may be 20 years later, but this is still a very treasured memory; my one tiny claim to “fame”.

Continue reading “God blessed Texas with his own hand, brought down angels from the promised land”

Oh what can it mean to a daydream believer…

Back when I was a kid, MTV used to air The Monkees, and my brother and I absolutely loved the show. I always had the HUGEST crush on Davy – he was just too fricken adorable for words.

Then, in 1986 (I forget the exact date), mom & dad took my brother and I to our very first concert: The Monkees. I believe it was their first reunion tour, and the concert was after a Texas Rangers game, back at the (long-since demolished) Arlington Stadium. The Grass Roots, Gary Puckett & The Union Gap, and Herman’s Hermits opened for them. That was an absolutely amazing show, and got me hooked on concerts – I’ve since attended well over 300 concerts.

July 4, 1996 was my second Monkees concert, at Six Flags over Texas, with Tara Hammond. We had third row seats on the side, but the way the rows angled, it was pretty much front row. During one song, we were dancing, and Davy spotted us, pointed, and then started imitating us. That’s one of those moments that will forever be in my memory.

RIP Davy. You are missed.