It’s been a long-standing joke in my family that I’ve got a built-in compass in my head. For some reason, though, Canada always seems to mess with my internal compass (Ontario especially), and I have issues figuring out which was is north. So for me to get the mini compass at Christmas gave Emily & I a bit of a giggle. Using the compass, I got my bearings, confirming with her that the compass was indeed pointing north.

Flash forward to today at work. I’ve been using the carabiner part of the compass to hold my hair elastics so I don’t lose them. I set it down on my desk, and noticed that the compass wasn’t pointing north any more. I moved it around several times, trying to see if it would correct itself, but it consistently tried to tell me that south was north.

That led to the following exchange in email:

Me: OH! the compass I got in my christmas cracker at your place? It’s….. confused. Very. I have it w/me at work. It’s saying that south is north. this makes me laugh. So see… when I say I get all confused and turned around in Canada…. there’s a reason! Your north is south! *giggles*

Emily:: Hahahaha it’s Canadian! That’s all!

Me: hahahah. It’s backwards! I have a compass that doesn’t point north! … Capt Jack was Canadian!!!

Emily:: Hahah that makes a lot of sense

Your horoscope for April 16, 2012
For those of us who know the real you, it is frustrating to see your lack of confidence, Keiran. The range of your talents and abilities is startling to the rest of us mere mortals, yet you rarely give yourself credit for all that you are capable of. Today you are given an opportunity to participate in a project that could make or break your career. We can see you hesitating, weighing your capabilities in your mind and coming up short. We say, “Posh.” Not only can you do this, you can do it better than anyone else. Get over yourself and accept the challenge, for goodness sake.

I don’t remember now if I had an “opportunity to participate in a project that could make or break your career”; but I’m pretty sure that I didn’t. However, the rest of it, that’s so true. It also speaks to the exact reason I want to start blogging again – to help rebuild my confidence. It’s not just a lack-of-confidence, though, when I say I sincerely doubt my talents & abilities are “startling to the rest of us mere mortals”. Maybe if I knew what my talents and abilities were, then I could hone them and let them shine. I’ve just never been able to figure out what they are.

Then, in 1986 (I forget the exact date), mom & dad took my brother and I to our very first concert: The Monkees. I believe it was their first reunion tour, and the concert was after a Texas Rangers game, back at the (long-since demolished) Arlington Stadium. The Grass Roots, Gary Puckett & The Union Gap, and Herman’s Hermits opened for them. That was an absolutely amazing show, and got me hooked on concerts – I’ve since attended well over 300 concerts.

July 4, 1996 was my second Monkees concert, at Six Flags over Texas, with Tara Hammond. We had third row seats on the side, but the way the rows angled, it was pretty much front row. During one song, we were dancing, and Davy spotted us, pointed, and then started imitating us. That’s one of those moments that will forever be in my memory.

RIP Davy. You are missed.

I’ve also been trying to be creative in other areas, lately. I’ve been dabbling in different kinds of painting – acrylic and watercolor pencils, so far. I want to try out pastels, oils, and watercolor as well; give everything a try to see what I like best, what feels most “me”. I even bought myself a kit on Chinese brush painting today because the style intrigues me. I may not be any good at it, but I figure I’ll never know until I try.

As much as I enjoy painting so far, I find the same self-doubt creeping in that plagues my desire to write. That’s another reason I want to begin posting again. If I can learn to fight against the doubt that stops me from writing, then hopefully it will help me in my art, as well. It might help me put more of “myself” into my work. Help me learn to trust myself, my judgement. Trust my choice in colors, in patterns, ideas. Trust in my starting points, my stopping points. Trust in myself through all stages of creation.

All I can do now is take this first step. Write this. Hit that ‘publish’ button and let release this post into the wild. Begin to open up again, little by little, one post at a time. So, here’s to beginning. Here’s to me.

Life’s not worth a damn, ‘Til you can say, “Hey world, I am what I am.”
          “I Am What I Am” – La Cage Aux Folles

In preparation of starting to use this blog again, I’ve spent some time importing a few posts over from my livejournal. Just some things I’d posted over there that would help fill the gap since I stopped posting here. I now need to go through and fix a few things on the site as I managed to break a few links in the process. Oops.

(…huh. These are pretty much all Canada-related. Hmmm )

2. Did you keep your New Years' Resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Didn't make any, and won't make any this year.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
I know there were several births amongst friends and friends-of-friends this year.  

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No humans, but my kitty, Gypsy, did.

5. What countries did you visit?
Canada – two trips to Toronto and one to Vancouver.

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?
It didn't work last year, but I'm trying again: more money & less knee pain!

7. What date from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
        February 5;    My very first Headstones concert
        March 14;      Emily & I met Brendan Fletcher!
        April 13;         Nasal surgery
        July/August;   The awful, horridly insane summer heat.
        September 6;  Gypsy put to sleep.
        October 16;     NOH8 photo shoot with Mom & Bailey
        December 23; My second Headstones concert!

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Getting to meet Brendan Fletcher. haha. Emily and I run his unofficial website, so getting to meet him was all kinds of wonderful.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Once again, I don't think I failed spectacularly at anything, so I'm going with nothing.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
My knees gave me the usual variety of aches & pains. Tons of sinus infections. Spent a few weeks at the beginning of the year in a medical shoe. Spent a large chunk of August & September in a surgical boot (opposite foot). A week after that finally came off, I had to spend a few weeks w/a brace on my left wrist. Yup – I'm falling apart left, right, & center. Ha.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
My new bedframe & headboard. I guess the new kitten, Spook, should be included here too. hahah

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
I dunno. No one is coming to mind immediately as I write this…

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
As per usual – names and deeds withheld to protect the innocent. ("The innocent" being me, since this is a public forum and all. )

14. Where did most of your money go?
Again – the usual two places:
      1) Medical bills. YUCK!
      2) Vacation. WOO HOO!

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
My wonderful vacations. Getting to see the Headstones, meeting Brendan, the NOH8 photo shoot. The new kitty.

16. What song will always remind you of 2011?
There are several of 'em this year:
      "binthiswayforyears" – Headstones
      "Moves Like Jagger" – Maroon 5
      "Rolling in the Deep" – Adele
      "Dog Days are Over" – Florence + The Machine  

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
       a) happier or sadder?
           Slightly happier, I think. Windy passed on NYE last year, so I was sad at the end of last year.
       b) thinner or fatter?
           About the same
       c) richer or poorer?
           Poorer. Again. Too many medical bills/no raise (and I blame that last one on evil Rick Perry).

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Relax & unwind.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of? 
I wish I'd had fewer injuries!!

20. How did you spend Christmas?
I spent Christmas in Canada. Most of the trip was in Toronto, but Christmas Eve/Day was spent in Peterborough with Emily & her family.

21. Who did you spend the most time on the phone with?
Once again – Mom (talking). Emily (texting)

22. Did you fall in love in 2011?
Nope.  

23. How many one-night stands?
None.

24. What was your favorite TV program?
Flashpoint, Castle, Leverage, White Collar, and way too many more to list.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I don't think there's anyone new on my "strongly dislike" list, so no.

26. What was the best book you read?
It would be hard to pick just one as "the best"; especially since most of the ones I read were by my fave authors.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
I dunno.

28. What did you want and get?
New bedframe! Whee!! A NOH8 portrait.

29. What did you want and not get?
I know there were likely several things… but nothing's coming to mind so it must not have been too big a disappointment to not get whatever it was.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
"Sherlock Holmes 2"!  "AGAIN!!! AGAIN!!!"

"Hello Caller" was my favorite short film that I saw this year. Although… "Billy's Birthday" comes in a pretty damn close second. "IT'S BILLY'S BIRTHDAY!!"

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old?
I turned 37 on my birthday this year. (Although, at one point, I thought I already *was* 37, and would be turning 38 this year. Oy.) It…wasn't my most favorite of birthdays. But that's a rant for another place and time.

32. What would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Having less pain & medical bills

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?
Same as always — "Whatever"

34. What kept you sane?
IM/text/email conversations w/my best friend, Emily.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Hugh Dillon. Brendan Fletcher.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
I dunno.

37. Who did you miss?
I always miss Emily when she's way too far away. That's the crummy thing about having a best friend who lives in another country.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
Brendan Fletcher!! *giggles* (C'mon. You had to see that one coming. )

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011:
No matter how jaded you may think you are, or no matter how you may expect certain people to act… those people can still disappoint you.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
"I've been burned out,
I've been hated,
I've been fucked up
And unsophisticated.
A little foolish,
A little jaded,
I ain't complaining,
That karma's been back-dated

And there's nobody fading away here
Goddammit, well, it's been this way for years"
       "binthiswayforyears" – Headstones

2. Did you keep your New Years' Resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I didn't make any, and I doubt I will this year either. 

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Nope. 

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No humans, but two animals. Topher (hedgehog) passed on October 8, and we had to have my 18yr old cat, Windy, put to sleep on NYE.  

5. What countries did you visit?
Canada. Went to Toronto in July & September. 

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?
More money & less knee pain!

7. What date from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
        February 11/12;   Record-setting snowfall in our area
        March 20/21;      Random snowstorm/Matt Good concert
        May 23;             Final episode of LOST – FINALLY FREE!
        October 8;          Surgery
        December 31;     Having to put Windy to sleep.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
I'm not sure.

9. What was your biggest failure?
I don't think I failed spectacularly at anything, so I'm going with nothing. 

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Yup. Injury is a yearly guarantee, thanks to my knees. Also had way too many sinus infections. 

11. What was the best thing you bought?
My new computer.  

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Ft. Worth Councilman Joel Burns and organizations like Love Is Louder & Give A Damn.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Names and deeds withheld to protect the innocent. ("The innocent" being me, since this is a public forum and all. ) 

14. Where did most of your money go?
  1) Medical bills. YUCK!
  2) Vacation. WOO HOO!

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Vacations. Wonderful, wonderful vacations. Hee. And all the snow we had!

16. What song will always remind you of 2010?
"Billionaire" – Travie McCoy feat. Bruno Mars
"Airplanes" – B.o.B feat. Hayley Williams 

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
  a) happier or sadder?
         Sadder, due to Windy's passing. Otherwise, about the same.
  b) thinner or fatter?
         About the same 
  c) richer or poorer?
         Poorer. Way too many medical bills this year.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Relax.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Doctor appointments. 

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
Per family tradition, I had Christmas lunch at IHOP with mom & brother. 

21. Who did you spend the most time on the phone with?
Mom (talking). Emily (texting)

22. Did you fall in love in 2010?
Nope. A few crushes came and went (as they're wont to do), but no love. 

23. How many one-night stands?
None. 

24. What was your favorite TV program?
I can never, ever list just one. Flashpoint, Castle, Leverage, White Collar, CSI,…and lots more.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Hate? Hmmmm.. no. Strongly dislike? Yeah.  

26. What was the best book you read?
I read quite a few books this year, not sure which was best.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Unsure. 

28. What did you want and get?
A new computer.

29. What did you want and not get?
New bedframe. Saving up to get a new one this year though. I'm sure there were other things too.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
I only saw 1 at the theater – "Despicable Me" & I loved it.

Movies seen via DVD — either "Rampage" or "Gunless" would get my fave vote.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old?
I turned 36 on my birthday this year. Don't recall what all I did, but I know I went to the Melting Pot w/mom. 

32. What would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Less pain. Being able to walk without hurting would make everything so much better.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?
"Whatever"

34. What kept you sane?
IM/text/email conversations w/my best friend, Emily.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Hugh Dillon. Brendan Fletcher. 

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
I dunno, probably marriage equality. After all, equal is equal is equal. There should not be any exceptions to that.

37. Who did you miss?
My best friend, Emily! She's too darned far away! (Hmm, but now that I know Niagara Falls is in Dallas, it should only be a 2 hour drive to visit her! Hahah)

38. Who was the best new person you met?
I didn't meet many new people this year, so I nominate all the ones I did meet.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010:
You never have as much time as you think you have.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
"Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars?
I could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now…"
    "Airplanes" – B.o.B & Hayley Williams

"Open up your mind and then open up your heart
And you will see that you and me aren't very far apart
'Cause I believe that love is the answer
I believe that love will find the way"
    "I Believe" – Blessid Union of Souls

2. Did you keep your New Years’ Resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I didn’t make any, and I doubt I will this year either.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Nope.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No one close to me, no. But someone I admired & had met a few times did pass away.

5. What countries did you visit?
Canada, per usual. Toronto in July & Vancouver in September.

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
More money. Ha. Better health/less pain.

7. What date from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
- Jan 12 – the first day at my current job.
- Mar 29
- Oct 31 – seeing my first musical on Broadway.
- Dec 24/25 – MY FIRST EVER WHITE CHRISTMAS OMG Y’ALL!!!! (I know it’s not the 25th yet, but that snow looks like it’s going to stick. YAY!!!)

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Getting a new job. (Well, I technically got the job at end of 2008, but I didn’t find out for sure that I was hired till 2009, so I’m counting it as this year.)

9. What was your biggest failure?
Not failure so much as disappointment – being told I don’t qualify for surgery.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Yup. My knees are still evil things and keep me in pain on a regular basis.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
My new camera. I heart it very, very much.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
I dunno? No one sticks out in my mind.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
TBD.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Vacations & new camera. I tried not to spend much money other than those, since I am on a lower income than I used to be.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
All three of my vacations! WHEEE!! I love travelling, and I miss getting to do it as much as I used to.

16. What song will always remind you of 2009?
“Man In The Mirror” – Michael Jackson
“Come On Get Higher” – Matt Nathanson

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
  a) happier or sadder?
        About the same
  b) thinner or fatter?
        About the same
  c) richer or poorer?
        Poorer. Which is sad, considering this time last year I was in my 9th month of unemployment!!!

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
I wish I’d been able to do more running around in NYC.. that my knees hadn’t just about killed me.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
I wish I’d spent less time in pain. Evil, evil, evil arthritis!

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
Per family tradition, I will be having Christmas lunch at IHOP with mom & brother.

21. Who did you spend the most time on the phone with?
Mom. Emily via texts

22. Did you fall in love in 2009?
Nope.

23. How many one-night stands?
None.

24. What was your favorite TV program?
I don’t ever have just one. Ha. Flashpoint, Dollhouse, Chuck, Bones, HIMYM, White Collar, Leverage, and many, many more. Too many. :[

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Nope

26. What was the best book you read?
I read quite a few books this year, I’m not sure which was the best.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
I don’t know that I had one this year. I went through iTunes and looked at all songs I added this year – nothing really jumped out at me.

28. What did you want and get?
A new job!

29. What did you want and not get?
More money. Hahah.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
I only went to the movies maybe once or twice this year, so I’m gonna pass on this one.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old?
I turned 35 this year. I went out to dinner at The Melting Pot, but other than that I didn’t do anything special.

32. What would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
For my knees to be more stable/in less pain. A bigger paycheck. Someone else to pay for all my travel. haha

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?
“Whatever” Hah.

34. What kept you sane?
My best friend, Emily.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I dunno?

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
I dunno, probably marriage equality. After all, equal is equal is equal. There should not be any exceptions to that.

37. Who did you miss?
Emily. She lives too darned far away!!

38. Who was the best new person you met?
The vast majority of the new people I met this year were at my new job.. so I suppose them? Hah.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009:
All that glitters isn’t gold. Or, to use another cliché, if it seems to good to be true, it probably is.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
“So you run, so you hide
Then you watched as they died
They all fell, you could fall too
Or you could sew your wings
And try to fly right through

So give me all your fear,
Throw it all away
Think about the good things,
No matter what they say
We’ll take tomorrow, baby, yeah
One day at a time”

Let’s see. What’s been up in my world? Lots of doctor’s appointments, mostly. Literally at least 1 a week, since the first full week of April. Ten (11, but really 10 “real” appointments) doctor/dentist visits total … so far. I still have more to come before May ends! Some were pre-planned/good visits. Like my 3 appointments to get the Supartz injections in my knees. One was a total waste of time – the gyn appt I already detailed here (password protected). Four of them were with my heart doctor, as was the “extra” appointment I mentioned. The remaining two appointments were with the dentist – one a pre-planned cleaning, the other an emergency appointment. Upcoming appointments include follow-ups with the knee doctor and the dentist.

The knee appointments weren’t too bad. Three weeks in a row of going in to get an injection in both knees. The shots can take anywhere from a few weeks to a few months to cause noticable improvement, so I’m not expecting much yet. Right now, my knees aren’t causing much pain, but they are pretty crackly. The left one especially likes to go snap, crackle, and pop on me. They also feel unsteady, like they could just bend backwards at any moment. I’m hoping this passes pretty quickly, and the injections start to take effect.

The heart doctor – well, as I’ve mentioned before, I have extra heart beats. Due to being unemployed at the time, I wasn’t able to have my annual heart ultrasound done last year. I called up and made an appointment to have the ultrasound – even specifically stated I needed an ultrasound. I go for my appointment to find out that it’s only an office visit. Grr. The doctor decided he wanted me to wear a holter monitor again, to see how my PVCs were doing. So I had to go back a week later to have my ultrasound done, and to have the holter wires attached. The ultrasound looked good – the “mild leakiness” of my mitral valve from my first ultrasound 2 years ago has decreased – it’s only “trace” leakage now. That’s a good thing. The heart walls are slightly thick – mine are at a 1.0, and .9 is typically the high-end of thickness for women. But, that thickness hadn’t changed at all in the last two years, so that’s also a good thing. After my ultrasound, I had the holter attached, and had to endure 24 hours of unbelievable itchiness from those danged adhesive pads. Thankfully, nothing incredibly insane happened this time while I was wearing the monitor! My “extra” appointment was the next day – I just had to drive up to the doctor’s office the next day during lunch to have the wires removed and turn in the holter monitor.

A week later I had to go in to get the results of my holter – this time around I had @ 17,000 extra heart beats. (The first time I had the holter, it was over 14,601 extra beats.) He gave me another type of medication, since the only thing the first one did was make me fall asleep. I was on that medication for @ two weeks, until I had my follow-up appointment on last Thursday. I started w/1 week on a half dosage, and then 1 week on the prescribed dosage. After a week, I was supposed to double that again. (And keep doing that a few times, till I was taking about 4x the dosage on the bottle.) This medication doesn’t make me drowsy, but it does make me incredibly dizzy. Dizzy enough that I was starting to be afraid of driving. I mentioned this to him, multiple times during the appointment, but he wants me to just stay on the meds, and try to increase the dosage again. As dizzy as I’ve been, I don’t see this working out well. It was only a minor dizzy on the half dose, but was pretty nasty on the full dose, more vertigo than just disequilibrium. The doctor seemed to dismiss that the dizziness was related to the meds, even though it states right on the prescription bottle “may cause dizziness”. I do have Ménière’s disease, though, so there IS the tiny possibility of it being a very highly coincidentally timed Ménière’s attack. I doubt it, though, since I don’t have any of the other symptoms I typically get during an attack. But, to be sure, I’ve decided to stop the medication for now, and let it work it’s way completely out of my system. Once the dizzy spells have ceased, I’ll make attempt #2 at taking the meds. If I end up dizzy all over again, then it is definitely related to the meds and we’ll have to try a different med, again. I go back to see him in 3 months to follow up on how I’m doing with the meds.

As I stated before, the last 2 appointments were with the dentist. The first one was just my 6-month cleaning, so it was no biggie. I also knew it would set up more appointments, but that didn’t happen at the time. On May 2nd, while eating lunch, I took a bite of my Subway sandwich, and the top left cuspid flared with pain. But, the sandwich was extremely cold, and it felt like more than just the one tooth hurt – so I dismissed it as biting into an almost icy cold chunk of meat. That happened once more while I ate, and that was it. No more pain … for a few days. At work on the 5th, I was snacking on some honey nut Cheerios. I bit down on one, and BOOM! Intense pain flared in that tooth again. While Cheerios are crunchy, they aren’t particularily hard, so I knew it was the tooth starting to act up. But it only hurt that once, for just a few minutes. I figured it’d be okay, and I could call the dentist later in the week or something. Wrong. After work, mom & I had pizza for dinner. I took my first bite, and intense pain blossomed in my mouth. The kind of pain that literally has you howling – loudly. After the pain settled, I attempted a second bite (just to test it) and ended up screaming loudly in pain again. I tried to take it, and attempted to eat without using that side of my mouth, but it didn’t work well at all.

After leaving a voicemail for my dentist, I ended up running off to Walmart to get some severe pain Orajel. Mom went with me, and found this stuff called Temparin to use as well. (I have holes in both of my upper cuspids, so we figured if I could fill it, I could maybe be in less pain until I could get into the dentist.) It hurt like Hades to put the Temparin in because the tooth was so freaking sensitive to any kind of pressure, but once it was in, and combined with the Orajel (and a hydracodone ma gave me), I was able to get the pain under control to where I was even able to eat and drink. The next morning, after the hydracodone wore off, the pain was barely controlled with the Orajel. Lucky for me, though, my dentist was able to get me in before lunch time. Two hours and a root canal later, I was back to work. The tooth had become abscessed, hence all the extreme pain. They didn’t do a 100% complete root canal – after drilling out the diseased part of the tooth and injecting it with meds, they decided to leave it open, and they will seal it when I come back in to get the crown. That way, if the infection doesn’t go away, they don’t have to do a lot more work to get in and work on it. So, I have my temporary crown for now, and go back in another 2 weeks to get the permanent one. I’m going to schedule the appointment for my other cuspid then — I don’t want to risk that getting to the same super pain point before I have the needed root canal on it, too.

So, yes. As I said, that’s pretty much been my life the last month & half – doctors and dentists, oh my!

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