I am what I am February 25, 2012
Posted by Keiran in : Creative, Me, Mental, Painting , add a commentLike I said in my last post, I’m trying to start writing again. I’ve got tons bottled up inside, that I need to get out, and writing will hopefully help. As long as I can manage to make myself write. One of my biggest issues is that I feel like I’m trying to impress people when I write. I’m always trying to seem like I’m hip or cool or whatever… but I always fail miserably. Because, let’s face it. I’m just not. So I get caught in a vicious cycle. I want to write, but I can’t write because I’m terrified of what people will think. But since I’m writing for myself, then it shouldn’t matter what anyone else thinks, should it? Ah, the horrible spiral of self-doubt. It doesn’t help that some bad experiences made me even more nervous about writing than I once was. I fought it off for a long time, before finally succumbing when I stopped posting. I’m trying, though, to get over that fear. To fight it, to free myself from it, and to write again. To be creative, to share, to be open – with myself and others.
I’ve also been trying to be creative in other areas, lately. I’ve been dabbling in different kinds of painting – acrylic and watercolor pencils, so far. I want to try out pastels, oils, and watercolor as well; give everything a try to see what I like best, what feels most “me”. I even bought myself a kit on Chinese brush painting today because the style intrigues me. I may not be any good at it, but I figure I’ll never know until I try.
As much as I enjoy painting so far, I find the same self-doubt creeping in that plagues my desire to write. That’s another reason I want to begin posting again. If I can learn to fight against the doubt that stops me from writing, then hopefully it will help me in my art, as well. It might help me put more of “myself” into my work. Help me learn to trust myself, my judgement. Trust my choice in colors, in patterns, ideas. Trust in my starting points, my stopping points. Trust in myself through all stages of creation.
All I can do now is take this first step. Write this. Hit that ‘publish’ button and let release this post into the wild. Begin to open up again, little by little, one post at a time. So, here’s to beginning. Here’s to me.
Life’s not worth a damn, ‘Til you can say, “Hey world, I am what I am.”
“I Am What I Am” – La Cage Aux Folles
Smile a little more than I used to and I like it that way October 23, 2008
Posted by Keiran in : Birthday, Concerts, Me, Mental, Ramblings, School, Vacation , add a commentI’ve been bad at posting for quite a while now. So, this might end up being kind of long.
First, though, some randomness. You’re apparently supposed to be able to have LJ post a mini news story on your Facebook when you post a public entry. I turned that on before my last post, but… it didn’t work? I never got the “toast” they mentioned to ask if I wanted to cross-post. And. I’m not exactly sure how they know what your facebook is, since they don’t ask for info. I’m guessing it must be tied into your email address? I dunno. Oh well.
I went on vacation in August for my birthday. My best friend (Emily), and I went to Vancouver for a week, and we had a blast. We spent time on the mainland as well as on the island. I an desperate to go back again, there was so much we wanted to do but we ran out of time. I have pictures from the trip on my gallery.
Speaking of vacation, American Airlines is being evil and taunting me. I could get wonderful airfares to Toronto on Halloween weekend. That would be beyond wonderful since I’d get to visit Emily. But… yeah. I can’t. I can’t miss school (and I’d have to miss at least 1 day to get the cheap fare) and I really can’t afford it, thanks to the lack of a job. Ugh. Stupid evil teasing airline!!
Over the weekend, I saw New Kids on the Block in concert. OMG. That was an amazing show. I saw them perform 7 times as a teen (5 during the height of their fame, and 2 after Jon left the group). Seeing them on Sunday … wow. Laugh all you want, but they still can put on one helluva show. I would love to be able to see more shows on this tour, but alas… that previously mentioned pesky money issue prevents it. Oh well. At least I had a chance to go back in time and relive my youth for an evening, and have it turn out better than I could’ve hoped. 
School is going pretty well. I had a 4.0 for a very long time. I’m still getting all A’s, and -as of right this second- the lowest grade I’ve gotten in class thus far is a 90. But, that’s was on a quiz, and the average of all 3 quizzes for the module only counts for 30% of my grade. As long as I do well on the final on Friday… I should be able to keep my grade a high A. As I said, I have my final for module 2 on Friday. (We have “modules” instead of “classes”, but it’s the same thing.) We start Module 3 on Monday, and our final for that class is on November 24th. Then we have 1 last module, but that one is only 3 days long. So, I should graduate on December 3rd.
Since I started school, I’ve been the best student in my class. (I don’t say that to brag – it’s actually leading somewhere.) The first module we had was Computer Basics — which covered Excel and Word. It’s a required prerequisite, and is supposed to help provide a basic knowledge of the two programs since they are so widely used. Well — I’ve been using both programs for years, so I knew about 99% of the material before we started. That meant, of course, that I moved through the material pretty quickly, as opposed to most of my classmates who were just marginally familiar with the programs. So, while James (my teacher) might be helping one of the other students with something, I was able to help out another one. That, of course, set a pattern for the rest of the classes. Thanks to my AR background at CompUSA, I pick up on most of the material pretty quickly. (I’m the only one in my class who isn’t changing fields, I’m just trying to get a “proper” education in accounting, as opposed to the minimal on-the-job training I’d had.) So, since I “get it” quickly, my classmates frequently turn to me for help when they’re struggling with something.
Out of my 5 original classmates (we started out with 5 people, but 2 finished at the end of August), I’ve had 4 of them tell me I should be teaching. On Monday, my teacher even asked if I’ve ever thought about teaching. The classmates who’ve said that to me have all said that I have an ability to explain the material in such a way that it finally triggers that light-bulb moment for them. And I do not mean that in a way that implies James is a bad teacher — he is an excellent teacher and we all enjoy him. But sometimes when you’re struggling with something, it’s hearing it phrased a new way or by a different person that helps it click. There have been times that Debra & Sylvia have been able to help me with something I’m struggling with in the same way, too. I really don’t think I’m teacher material, but it’s flattering that they think so, and that they turn to me for help.
Quick aside before I go further with teaching related talk — one thing I’ve learned in class is that I do know Excel very well. There were even times that I was able to share something with our teacher that he didn’t know about Excel. So, I’ve decided that I’m going to attempt to get my Specialist Certification in Excel. I’m hoping to take an online course at the community college at the beginning of next year to pick up the stuff I don’t know on Excel that I’ll need to get my certification. The best part – the course also includes an attempt at the certification exam. So I’ll get a couple of credits, some more Excel knowledge, AND my certification all in one shot! Yay!
Okay. But enough about Excel. Back to the talk of teaching. Time to get introspective, so that calls for a cut-tag
It’s just a word I heard & maybe I don’t remember, somewhere along the line I misbehaved August 1, 2008
Posted by Keiran in : Me, Mental, Ramblings , 1 comment so farThere’s nothing under here. Just scroll on by.