It’s just a word I heard & maybe I don’t remember, somewhere along the line I misbehaved

Hope is a deadly weapon. Seriously. So is self-worth.

These are things that shouldn’t be dangled in front of your face, make you falsely believe, and then be jerked away from you.

It’s even worse when these weapons are used on someone who is already chronically depressed. (which, yes. when i had the psych eval for DARS – the shrink diagnosed it as Dysthymic Disorder and Avoidant Personality Disorder. My case file at DARS lists my disabilities as carpal tunnel {which should be chronic tendonitis} and “personality disorders”. ha) Ironically, DARS indirectly unleashed one of the weapons on me themselves, but I’ll come back to that one.

I took a few seminars a couple of months ago, several of which were by the same instructor. He was one of those dynamic personalities, who makes you believe anything he says; which sure – not necessarily a bad thing. Except for when he makes you feel good about yourself. Makes you feel like the entire world is at your feet to conquer. Instills you with a sense of self-worth and hope. For a few days, maybe weeks, everything is nice and rosy and you really feel good.

But, then seminars end. Reality starts to slowly seep back in. Everything returns to the good old status quo, but the problem is that (to use half a quote from a certain recent ‘net musical) “the status is not quo”. Life has been disrupted by this temporary spark of hope, so things aren’t and can’t be the same.

Then, I get sent to a class for DARS — the Vocational Adjustment Training I did in June. At first, I admit I was terrified of the class, because I didn’t know what to expect. It was 3 days with 4 other people in the DARS program, all with varying levels of disabilities, re-learning how to adjust to the work world. And what did they do? They gave me hope and self-worth again. I could’ve conquered both this world and the next. Then class ends. These people who accept you for exactly who and what you are, who encourage the parts of you that almost everyone else discourages .. these people are suddenly gone again, making that void in your life even bigger.

And what can you do now? This black hole that you were used to dealing with your entire life, has now doubled in size. It’s harder than ever not to get sucked into the vast nothingness.

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